an addendum

THIS is my favorite article..it's from the NY Times and is specifically about elderly or indigent care, but it applies to motherhood and wifedom too! We are 24/7 caregivers to those who depend on us for compassion, love and nurturing...taking a break, taking care of ourselves, relaxing or going out for a bit isn't selfish, it's necessary to everyones well being.


http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/18/health/18brod.html

"Self-care is not a selfish act. It’s an essential act, because a caregiver who burns out, who becomes overly stressed, exhausted or ill, is no help to anyone. There are many ways for caregivers to protect their physical and emotional health, and a growing number of organizations that can help. Sometimes all you need to do is ask."


If you have the time to read the whole article it has some fabulous suggestions and info.

Be well and Blessed my friends :)

Taking time for yourself

One of the things I have realized recently is that the more I take care of myself, the better I feel about my relationship. I know...I know..relationship guru's have been saying this for YEARS...gimme a break, I'm a slow learner.

Anyway, when I'm so busy taking care of everyone elses stuff and neglecting myself, I rely very heavily on those others for my value and happiness. That's not remotely fair for 2 major reasons

1. I'm a VERY difficult woman to please..lol I have very high standards for myself and do not understand people who do not. And even IF they do, they may not be as high as mine, which are the sky high, unattainable type and so they just wont do.

2. Happiness is relative. It's something we perceive as real based on all of the input, including our own mood at the moment. Many times I have heard people say "I should be happy..." because all of the external facts seem to add up to what a person would call happiness, but the feelings of the person in question have a profound effect on how they perceive those facts. My wonderful family could do everything right, everything they know I enjoy and it could still not be enough to make me happy because I'm literally not "feeling" it.

When I take time to do the things that are about valuing myself, when I exercise, when I deny my sweet tooth what it wants in favor of what my body needs, when I take my time to study as I know my mind and spirit needs...then I feel lighter, better, happy without anyone having to try and "make" me happy. When it's like that my relationship with Big Daddy especially is fantastic because I'm not dependant on him to give me what I have neglected to give myself and what it is impossible for him to impart; self worth.

In the interest of sharing this amazing epiphany with others (strap on the boots girls..it's gettin deep ;) I have scoured the Internet for some good advice and I will share what I have found here :) SHMILY

From www.lovingyou.com

Ask yourself:

• How has your life improved in the last year?
• What have you done that you never thought you could do?
• What actions have you taken recently that have yielded positive results?
• What negative habits have you gotten rid of?
• What charity work have you done?
• How have you been a good friend, employee and partner?
• How are you continuing to improve yourself?

Asking and answering these questions of yourself will help you realize all the things you've accomplished that really matter. This is a key to self-love. Comparing yourself to yourself allows you to see how much you've achieved, obstacles you've overcome and goals that are within reach. It also helps you improve your self-appreciation and gratitude.


From www.selfworthquotes.com

.“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”
Louisa May Alcott

From www.wikihow.com

Stop making your self-worth conditional on other people. Once you try to live up to an image of what you think others want to you to be, you lose self-worth. Instead, you are following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations are clearly defined or implied. Unfortunately, many people live this way, including making such choices as studies, career, where to live, and how many children to have, all based on expectations from parents, spouses, friends, and the media, and mostly because they are afraid of standing up for their own preferences and respecting their self-worth.

• Be very wary of listening too much to people who regret the choices that they made in life and are willing to inflict their distress or anger at this regret upon others (especially upon the next generation). Such people won't enlighten you as to the path of acting on your self-worth but will try to either live out what they didn't get through you or even expect you to have the same rotten experiences they had by giving poor information, incorrect details, or simply omitting to inform you at all. People with healthy self-worth will share their insights and learning with you, and will be willing to guide you around life's many traps. Look for those people to mentor you rather than being misguided by the unhappy people.

What kinds of things do you to to show a little love to yourself?

Quality time?

So it's Thursday, time for our relationship question of the week...yes, I'm going there. 23 years of marriage HAS to be good for more than cheap silver plated gifts! Just kidding. I'm very happy to say that after our ups and downs Big daddy and I have, in fact, been together for 23 years. Besides our obvious love for each other (it really is obvious..we still do the whole PDA and everything..lol) we have 6 wonderful and unique offspring as the fruit of that relationship.

These being the facts, I often get people asking me relationship questions that range from the "Yeah, someone really should have talked to you about this." to "Whoa Nelly! That's a little blunt..." One thing I have found though is that they are all valid questions. I will attempt to answer, from my perspective,  the ones I get asked the most often. If you have any you'd like my opinion on well just come on down, sign on the dotted line and wait your turn, I am NEVER at a loss for an opinion...lol

Today's question is "How do you do it?" OK, that's usually the prelude to a real question, but it is by far the question I am asked most often. :) The real question this week is "How do you get any time alone?" I'm more than willing to take suggestions on the answer for this question as my own may seem a little dull....we MAKE time. We STEAL time. We FIND time.

Big Daddy and I are just like every other couple out there, except that we honestly have very little in common in the way of personality and common interests :) That could be the key to our success as a married couple, or it could just be God's vast and astounding sense of humor at work in my daily life. I tend to believe the latter. Regardless, just being together, having a conversation where we both have the opportunity to complete a sentence without any interjections of "Mom! I need a..." or "Papa, can you take me..." or "You like to share don't you Daddy?" sorry...inside joke.

For us it's all about quality. Here are some of our stolen moments:

* When all of the small ones are tucked into bed we will sometimes take the 30-45 min before Big Daddy has to head off to dreamland (he gets up for work at 2:45 AM ) and play Backgammon or Gin. Both are compact enough to be played on the couch between us so there's not allot of set up and both go quickly; we can play 3 or 4 rounds in our 45 min. It's time to just do something together. Sometimes we chat about nothing while we play, sometimes we don't really talk but just distress in each others company. It works for us.

* We do the grocery shopping together. Whenever possible we do the grocery shopping without any of the kids. It sounds silly, but it gives us a chance to talk about the week ahead, what we have going on, how we feel about kid stuff, without kids getting into the conversation. And there's something really freeing about the anonymity of the grocery store. We walk around in our own little world while we shop together, not worried about what the kids are up to and if there's blood or broken bones in our near future :)

* We worship together. There is something so intimate about worshiping together. Maybe it's because with true worship, is done completely naked. Not physically naked. What I mean is, to genuinely connect with God one has to be willing to let all pretense go, to stand before the Creator, unashamedly laid bare for Him to see...in those moments, knowing that he and I are both willing and open, adoring our Savior shamelessly...it's a beautiful thing. I couldn't give that up unless God Himself asked me to.

* We go out...yes, we do! We really don't have a ton of common interests. We like allot of the same movies, but neither of us like going to the theater as a way to spend time together. I'm married, if I want to spend 2 hrs sitting in the dark watching a movie with my husband I can do it far more comfortably at home! Besides, our time really is limited, so why would I spend it not connecting with him?

We go for walks in the evening. Our whole courtship/dating period was spent walking around San Francisco, talking, dreaming. We enjoy each others company allot....that helps..lol Sometimes these walks become gripe sessions or question pondering time, but they connect us..and that's what matters.

We also have a favorite breakfast place we go to. We found it last year and it is WONDERFUL. The food is good, the atmosphere is good...it's just a great place to go hang out together. You never feel rushed to get out of there, even though they have the fastest short order cooks in North West Indiana! It's "our place". Every couple should have a place like that, where they can just go and be themselves. It's that whole learned response thing. When there's a place you can go and you know that this is the place where we go together, where we talk and relax..it becomes an automatic response when you talk about going, when you think about going, when you get there to just release the tension and relax together.

When all else fails..when it's a crazy day or a crazy week and we just don't have the time to spend, we can't steal it from anywhere, we stand in the kitchen (the place no child dares go without permission, I am, after all, an Irish woman :) and just hold each other. Sometimes we take a moment to whisper loving words to each other or to steal a kiss, but mostly, we just hold onto each other, like we're holding onto a life raft in the middle of a raging storm. We lend each other strength in those few moments, solidify our commitment to each other in the midst of all we do for the sake of our family.

Busy-ness does sometimes get the better of us, but it can never be an excuse for disconnecting.

OK...so there's my weekly dose of relationship experience..I wouldn't call it advice, I don't know what your challenges are, what your relationship dynamic is, I'm not qualified to give anyone advice...What I do know is that marriage is tough, probably the toughest challenge in life. Dealing with the attitudes, behaviors, seeming faults and offenses of someone you did not give birth to is really hard at times, but the rewards...they are so worth it. I hope your relationships blossom into beautiful gardens filled with all of the sweetness of love and intimacy :)

Loving my Moose

So here and there I mention, post pictures of or grumble about my Moose; the youngest of my brood. He's an awesome kid. He's a ton of fun wrapped up in a bundle of charisma that just doesn't stop until he drops, exhausted, at bed time. This is a little bit of his story

Moose was born in December of '06, I think. it's hard to keep them all straight :) He was the epitome of "Surprise!" So much so that for 9 months I did not speak to Big Daddy except to say things like "Procrastination is of the devil." and "I want french fries.". We had decided to make a firm commitment not to have any more children after Tabby. She was a miracle child after all..well, technically, since the Dr.'s told me when I was 16 I would never carry a baby to term, they all were. But that's not Moose's story. sheesh, see how easily I am distracted! Here's another picture of the little nose miner to get us back on track...

So he was born, Dec 30th. Do you know how many insane people (most of which did NOT have children) who asked me if I wanted to "hold it in" and WAIT one more day so I could have a new years eve baby? What are we thinking here? I wasn't even too interested in being prego in the first place, why would I want to purposely prolong it? No, I wanted to have the pregnancy part over and done with. You see, I knew that, no matter how much I didn't want to be pregnant and I wasn't ready for another child that, once I held that little guy in my arms none of that would matter anymore. I was right. How could anyone look at that cherubic face and not fall instantly in love?

Moose was huge, 9lb. 10oz. There are moms reading this right now going "OOOOUUCH!" No biggie. He was my 3rd 9 1/2 pounder. The other three were mercifully all 6 1/2. Go figure. He came out squallin and wriggling, hungry and sleepy all at once. I'm the paranoid type. I will shuffle myself down to the nursery if it takes more than 20 min to get my little one a bath. I have sat there holding other people's newborns, rocking them and singing to them whilst the nurses rush around trying to handle the flow of traffic. I don't mind. They are all just as close as one can get to the Father at that time. On this particular occasion though Big Daddy was there to play watch dog for me. After that first bath the little one didn't leave my side (and hasn't for nearly 5 yrs!)

Why Moose? Well because he was the biggest thing in the nursery. After 3 smaller babies, he looked enormous. When he was delivered even my Doc was surprised at how big he was. The nurse said something about him being a big boy and Big Daddy said "That's not a baby it's a moose!" to make me laugh. Later that day Big daddy left to check on the other kids. When he came back, after searching for just the right thing for his new son; he is such a proud Papa, he had a little light blue stuffed Moose. How in heavens name the man found a moose at the gift shop I will never know. But he was thrilled to death to be able to bring it up with the balloons and the flowers.

Yeah, he still has the moose. :) Moose stuck. I wish I had baby pictures, toddler pictures etc, but they were all eaten by a nasty virus on our last computer. Even with all of Big Daddy's expertise he wasn't able to save them for me. He tried...it was valiant.

It's pretty hard to find these single pictures of the little guy actually. Once he came home from the hospital he found his soul mate; Zabo

Since the day I brought him home they have been inseperable. They have their moments when they aren't too fond of each other, but the bond stays true.

You can ask either one at any time where the other is, and they always know. They are each others favorite playmate.

Until the beginning of this last school year they slept in the same bed. Moose has his own space now, but most mornings I find him stumbling, grumbling and rubbing the sleepies from his eyes on his way out of her room. Evidence that, at sometime in the middle of the night, he moved in and usurped half the pillow, again :)

Moose has enough energy to power a small country. He is always running, jumping, "yawping" at the top of his lungs and generally driving everyone crazy, even the one other child I have given birth to that rivals his natural adreniline level; Boyo

Moose does have a serious side. Mostly when he is trying to be like his daddy. :) He tries to be "grown up" and tell all the girls in his life what to do. To be fair, we are the ones closest to him, but it makes Big Daddy seem a little sexist..lol

Moose has a crush...well, two of them really. the first is Taylor Swift, whom he is sure that when he grows up he is going to find where she lives so he can go and kiss her. Would sound creepy if not coming from an adorable 5 yr old who also writes her origonal love songs...

The other crush is a sweet girl in Boyo and Bubba's youth group at church. She is so sweet to him. Whenever he sees her he compliments her on her shoes, her nail polish, her hair (Big Daddy has taught him the art of the "shmooze" rather well ;)

There are those times where this HIGH energy bundle o' boy does get on our nerves, but usually when that happens he smiles, runs around like a clown on a severe sugar high and generally becomes an exploded version of his usual nutsoid self...and we all smile...laugh along...and forget why we were so frustrated with him to begin with. After all, who could hold a grudge against the Moose?

Here's a bonus for you..since you made it this far on my "Ode to a Moose"..A dear friend introduced Moose to this song. He sings it on his own and it's the most adorable thing on the planet..."Doesn't really mean to make a mess you see, he's a chocolate Moose, sweet as he can be." :)

http://youtu.be/BOZK9mlXykY

Holy High Winds Batman!

Some days I look outside and I am just homesick. the winds, the warmth (it's like 60 out there!) the slow steady drizzle all remind me of SanFrancisco. I miss it terribly some days. Those days are usually when the heat index spikes over 90 or the wind chill drops the temp below 30...I may be an extreme personality, but I am totally NOT into extreme weather. These days though, these "mist moisty mornings" are the ones that really get my heartache going. So this is my tribute to home post. SanFrancisco...how I loved you in my youth. I miss the culture, the natural beauty, the public transportation!

So much has changed about you, yet so much is exactly the same as I remember it...Golden Gate Park where I spent most of my adolescence, wandering, dreaming, breathing in the fresh air that makes a young mind feel like ANYTHING is possible

Stow Lake where Big daddy and I spent most of our first year of "dating" just wandering the paths around the hill, feeding the ducks and geese, relaxing at the marble gazebo...

The veiw up from my apartment in Noe Valley; Diamond Heights and Day St. Hill

My School

My Library

My church

SanFrancisco, My home town

What's your home town like?

Sing a new song

Psalm 149:1 Sing to the Lord a new song, and His praise in the assembly of the saints.

All of my memories of peace and comfort are associated with St. Paul's Church in S.F. where I grew up. From the day I walked in there to find out what time Easter Sunday services were and met Father Mark Marks, who was vacuuming the floor, to the day Father Tom Seagrave baptised my oldest daughter even though D and I weren't married. Peace in my turbulent life could always be found in those pews, in the choir loft, in the rectory. Thank God for that oasis in the desert of my childhood. Some days I miss that palpable presence of God. Not that I never feel it, but this place was a true dwelling for my Father. Anytime I was lost, afraid, alone I could come here and feel Him all around me.

I started singing on the choir there when I was just 9. The youngest member of a very professional, well rehearsed and well led, Catholic Choir. Some of our members were chosen along with our Choir Master, to present before the Pope when he came to S.F. It was an unimaginable honor for some. For me it was just another chance to sing out loud for people who actually wanted to hear me.

There are yet, after 20+ years, a few of the songs we used to sing that have stayed with me. I don't know if it is the Spirit in which we used to sing them or if it just the Spirit of the song that touches me, either way I know it is Spirit, and therefore Truth :) In honor of that Spirit, which I first met within these walls I share this with you.

Sing a new song unto the Lord
Let your song be sung from mountains high
Sing a new song unto the Lord
Singing Alleluia

Yahweh's people dance for joy
O come before the Lord
And play for Him on glad tambourines
And make the nations move

Sing a new song unto the Lord
Let your song be sung from mountains high
Sing a new song unto the Lord
Singing Alleluia

The Sanctuary at St. Pauls

A view from Church Street, where i grew up. The spires mean a lot to us, kind of a beacon of the peace that can be found within.

Singing Alleluia

Truth about Holloween

I have been asked by some friends to post my feelings, information, experiences on Halloween. Mine is not a popular belief, not even among my brothers and sisters in the Lord. It doesn't come from research done on the Internet. It does not come from supposition or fear. My stand on Halloween comes from personal experience. For 6 years, I was a witch.

The origins of Halloween lie with the Celtic Druids. Their celebration was to honor their gods for the harvest and to appease and frighten the spirits of the dead. As far as I know, all Pagans believe that the veil between worlds, the spiritual and the earthly, is especially thin on that night. The spirits of the unhappy dead can come through, looking for a new home with the living. But these spirits do not bring blessing. It is bad luck to even acknowledge them if you see one unless you are a holy man and know how to handle such. The Druids would go to the villages, seeking offerings of food for the spirits to appease them. They warned the people that if they did not give, they would be in danger of bad luck from the spirits themselves; trick or treat.

The Druids dressed in frightening regalia to scare away any errant spirits they met on the roads. They carried with them lanterns carved in frightening vestiges both to see by in the dark, and to keep away the rising spirits. When it was time, when they had gathered all of the offerings, they would bring them to a designated place, and from what we understand of the history, they would be burned so that the spirits could partake of the smoke of the offering. They cannot, of course, eat food, being spirits.

The Catholic Church, doing much missionary work in the Celtic countries (Ireland, Scotland and Wales primarily), sought to convert these heathen to their belief system. They told the story of Christs sacrifice for them, how he rose again in power. Druids understand power, from what I have experienced of them, that is their main focus, regardless of how they go about it. The Catholics were able to convince many of the Druids of God's love and grace but their feast days and traditions were so entrenched in their hearts and minds that they were reluctant to convert to a religion that did not celebrate them. To "deal with" this the Catholic priests of the time made concessions as they saw best. To appease their need to pacify their ancestral spirits, the Catholics instituted All Saints Day.

All Saints Day wasn't meant as a day of offering to the dead, but rather a day to remember those saints who had gone before and to feast in their honor, giving glory to God for their lives and examples. Another name for the day was All hallows (a celebration of the holy). Many Druids accepted this, but chose not to completely relinquish their own traditions, celebrating All Hallows Eve still with dressing up, trick or treating and (in some cases) giving their offerings to the poor so that they would have food for All hollows to feast with. This was seen as acceptable and even embraced by some of the Priests.

What's wrong with that? Holding onto an un-sanctified tradition in order to use it for good? The problem comes from what the Bible, God's Word and the guidebook for our lives here on Earth, says about that practice.

Deuteronomy 18:9-13

Avoid Wicked Customs

 ⁹ “When you come into the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominations of those nations. ¹⁰ There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or one who practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, ¹¹ or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. ¹² For all who do these things are an abomination to the LORD, and because of these abominations the LORD your God drives them out from before you. ¹³ You shall be blameless before the LORD your God. ¹⁴ For these nations which you will dispossess listened to soothsayers and diviners; but as for you, the LORD your God has not appointed such for you.

We are called not to participate in or imitate the practices of the cultures we come out of when we become Christian. We no longer belong to that culture, but to God and God alone. He is a jealous God and will not put up with us continuing to do things that are in any way a part of what held us captive.

Today Halloween is billed as a "kids" holiday. If that is true why are half of the costumes sold adult size? If it's just about candy and the novelty of dressing up, why are there so many "after hours" parties where so called grown-ups debase themselves with excessive alcohol, slinky costumes and the excuse that it is "the day to be naughty"?

To a Pagan, regardless of what sect, Halloween heralds Sanhain, the highest holy day of the year. It is a time for harvest offerings. It's a time for family and blessings. It's a true holiday in their religion. Do they dress up and go trick or treating? Not typically. Most of the witches I know do family stuff, much like Thanksgiving. There are rites and offerings to be made. There are the remembrances of those past. Some, have midnight celebrations and seances to make use of the thinner veil between worlds.

When I was a witch, we gave out candy for Halloween. One thing my coven did was to bless the candy we gave out. It was a two-fold blessing. First it was meant to send our positive energy out into the world through the pure spirits of the children and to receive back positive energy through them. Second, it was a call. A call is a spell that is meant to seek out those "intended" or "destined" for the Wiccan faith. It attaches itself to them and feeds their natural curiosity about paganism. It's not intended to harm or coerce, only to attach to those it is meant for. That is how I spent my Samhain, blessing the homes we visited with my daughter, handing out blessed candy and making my offerings to the goddess for a fruitful and blessed new year.

I am no longer pagan. I converted in 1995. I chose to abandon my ways and beliefs and seek Him, Jesus Christ, with my whole heart. I counted the cost of that decision and gladly choose again, every day of my life, to continue in His way. What does that mean for my family on Halloween, and during the Halloween "season"? For us, it means we do not, in any way, participate in the rigamarole of the holiday, for a holiday it is. Just as I do not celebrate Ramadan because I am not Muslim and I do not celebrate Diwali because I am not Hindu and I do not celebrate Halloween because I am not Pagan.  Beyond the basic fact that I do not participate in the celebrations that honor the belief in other gods (why would I? Isn't that hypocritical?) I also have issues with wanting my children to be "blessed" by those of other faiths.

 I do not believe that all gods are one god and all faiths lead to the same road. I cannot believe this if I truly believe in Jesus Christ, Jehovah Jireh, Yahweh, El Shaddai. He requires that I accept the fact, by virtue of His honor, that He is the ONLY real God and that all others are demonic and/or human contrivances created solely to entice His creation away from His blessing. I don't believe in universalism. I do not believe in singularity. I do not believe we all go to heaven regardless of which deity we subscribe to.  Here's a shocker for most people, neither do Pagans, or Muslims or Hindus. While some religions believe that many of the worlds faiths are intertwined I do not believe that any believe that ALL are the same. Why is it that only my faith, being that it is eternally exclusionary yet temporally accepting of all who choose to accept it, it closed minded? Muslims, Jews and Pagans believe the same thing, they just label it differently.

That's what I know about and how I feel about Halloween. For those who asked me to share, I hope it helps you in some small way understand my choice and perhaps gives you reason to consider your own. For those who didn't ask for my thoughts, yet chose to read them through to the end anyway, thank you for your respect and consideration. I hope that what I have said hasn't offended you, but also that the truth of my words will shed light maybe where there was darkness or a grey area.

Please note; I do not look down on anyone who chooses to celebrate Halloween, Christian or otherwise. I don't because of what I believe. That's my choice. I'm grateful for my God given and Nationally accepted right to choose. How can I then disdain another person for exercising that same right? I have pagan friends still who celebrate and I love them dearly. I do not have to agree with your point of view to love you or to accept your value as a human being. I would hope that others can afford me the same grace

Be well and Blessed