Big Daddy and me

I think I have mentioned a time or two that our anniversary is coming up. Thursday, May 25th, Big Daddy and I will have been together for 24 years. 24!!! I cannot really comprehend being with someone that long. When other people talk about being married that long I always thing, "Wow, you guys must both be pretty awesome people to be able to live with each other and still like each other after all that time!" and yet, here I am, more in love with the man I married than I was the day I met him and acted like a total dork trying to get his attention.

Our relationship hasn't been perfect. Far from it. We have struggled through homelessness, infidelity, anger issues, sickness, the loss and death of loved ones, betrayal...PLUS the pressures of having 6 children, and learning to accept and even love the differences between us as we grow from teenage sweethearts into mature adults.

love the way you lie

(unedited...watch your ears please)

When Big Daddy and I heard this song we both knew it was about us. not that Eminem had talked to either of us and written a song about the insanity that was our relationship, but that it described us, perfectly. We have a passion for each other that borders on obsessive. We both have explosive tempers, huge amounts of baggage and personal demons that we brought into our relationship. Whether or not we belong together has never been the question. Can we be sane apart...we both know the answer to that. Even after we came to the Lord, even after we were in ministry, even with all that God did in our lives to free us of our pasts and the pain there it was still like this, just like this.

A few years ago it all came to a head and I told him it was time for a divorce. We had done everything we could, but we weren't good for each other and that wasn't good for the kids. I was angry with God for not saving my marriage. Big daddy was angry with me for going back on my promise never to leave him. The kids suffered allot during that time. I got a job so that I could support us after he left. He totally went off the deep end acting like the biggest jerk ever. We live in a suburban community. Everyone knows every one's business. The kids had to deal with the rumors about us splitting up, the whispers about his behavior with other women, the pain of seeing their only stability begin to crumble around them.

I lost hope. I lost my mind. I ran to someone else who promised to treat me like a real man should. Fortunately he lived in Arizona at the time so I couldn't do anything incredibly stupid like sleep with him but that didn't stop me from using his sweet talk as an escape from all of the pain of losing Big Daddy. I was so deeply hurt I couldn't breathe when I thought about it; Big daddy didn't even fight. He didn't even try to keep us together. He didn't think he was worth my love and I didn't think I was worth his effort but I couldn't stay away. I told him that he was my dragon; my greatest obsession and my greatest pain. It was a mess.

Our oldest daughter suffered the most. She felt responsible to protect the other kids from our insanity. She tried to be there for me and support me, but I was such a mess and I was going in the wrong direction. Her support just made the guilt worse. I blocked her out, it broke her heart. She lost control and spiraled down a path that led her to run away. I don't blame her, I can't. She is a beautiful and fiercely loyal young woman who would do anything for her family, but her family was falling apart. Who she was didn't make sense anymore. She was lost, we had taken away the beacons in her life that held her safe and left her in the dark. She was only 16.

Big Daddy and I got back together about 6 months after we separated. It took another 2 years to begin to repair the damage. There were trust issues, bad habits, personal baggage that still had to be overcome. So many days we didn't think it was going to work but we love each other so much. There's so much passion and commitment to each other between us...we just couldn't let go.

God began to reveal the roots of the problems. he began to show us how to break free individually so that we could come together and be free as the One we were intended to be. I have no doubt that Big Daddy is my soul mate. The problem was that each of us carried burdens and mistrust, pain and fear deep in our souls. God had to clear it all out. He taught us to forgive ourselves, each other and those who had hurt us in our pasts. He did a mighty work in our lives. He overcame all that we had set between us and gave us back to each other as we were meant to be, whole, pure, in love. It really was a miracle. Our miracle.

Now, when I think of all that we have been through and where we are headed, I'm dumbstruck with awe. I'm so grateful to God for what He has done and is still doing. That is first and foremost. I am also grateful to Big daddy. He had to choose to be a better man. He had to choose to allow God to reach inside him and reveal any ugliness that he had been trying to hide and "deal with" on his own. He had to admit his defeat in order to gain the victory, and he did. That is no easy thing for a man to do. They need to feel strong and invincible. They need to be able to believe that they are good for us. It's their place, their hard wiring. Provider, protector and priest, that is who a man is called to be. When God held up that proverbial mirror in front of Big Daddy and showed him who he had become, that he wasn't who he was supposed to be but instead had become what he hated; angry, hurtful, inconsiderate, unfaithful, selfish, chauvinistic and even cruel...he could have denied it. He could have turned away and chosen to continue trying to "better" himself without any "interference" from God. But he chose a different path.

To me, Big daddy stood up to all of the shame and guilt he had heaped upon himself and rather than deflecting or denying it, he said "You're worth me taking responsibility for this, no matter how much it hurts. You're worth overcoming this, no matter how embarrassing it is. You're worth it to me and I'm going to prove it.". Nothing could have blessed me more.

Big Daddy used to tell me all the time "Tell me you love me." as if I didn't say it enough or he needed reassurance. Now, he asks me "Am I good for you?' He doesn't want to know just that he does things that make me happy. he wants to know that he has become the man in my life who is strong when I'm weak, who encourages me to be who I am, who ushers me into the presence of God when I'm hurting. He wants to know if he has become that man in my life who is my everything because he has earned the right to be so. After all this time, after so many years of explosions, pain, guilt and fear, amazingly, miraculously my answer is always "Yes."

Thank You God for the new life You gave to our marriage. Thank You Big daddy for not giving up. Thank you for being who you were meant to be in my life and the lives of our children. You are so good for me Big Daddy. I love you.

Gra Anois Agus Go Deo

Until forever comes My Love.





an addendum

THIS is my favorite article..it's from the NY Times and is specifically about elderly or indigent care, but it applies to motherhood and wifedom too! We are 24/7 caregivers to those who depend on us for compassion, love and nurturing...taking a break, taking care of ourselves, relaxing or going out for a bit isn't selfish, it's necessary to everyones well being.


http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/18/health/18brod.html

"Self-care is not a selfish act. It’s an essential act, because a caregiver who burns out, who becomes overly stressed, exhausted or ill, is no help to anyone. There are many ways for caregivers to protect their physical and emotional health, and a growing number of organizations that can help. Sometimes all you need to do is ask."


If you have the time to read the whole article it has some fabulous suggestions and info.

Be well and Blessed my friends :)

Taking time for yourself

One of the things I have realized recently is that the more I take care of myself, the better I feel about my relationship. I know...I know..relationship guru's have been saying this for YEARS...gimme a break, I'm a slow learner.

Anyway, when I'm so busy taking care of everyone elses stuff and neglecting myself, I rely very heavily on those others for my value and happiness. That's not remotely fair for 2 major reasons

1. I'm a VERY difficult woman to please..lol I have very high standards for myself and do not understand people who do not. And even IF they do, they may not be as high as mine, which are the sky high, unattainable type and so they just wont do.

2. Happiness is relative. It's something we perceive as real based on all of the input, including our own mood at the moment. Many times I have heard people say "I should be happy..." because all of the external facts seem to add up to what a person would call happiness, but the feelings of the person in question have a profound effect on how they perceive those facts. My wonderful family could do everything right, everything they know I enjoy and it could still not be enough to make me happy because I'm literally not "feeling" it.

When I take time to do the things that are about valuing myself, when I exercise, when I deny my sweet tooth what it wants in favor of what my body needs, when I take my time to study as I know my mind and spirit needs...then I feel lighter, better, happy without anyone having to try and "make" me happy. When it's like that my relationship with Big Daddy especially is fantastic because I'm not dependant on him to give me what I have neglected to give myself and what it is impossible for him to impart; self worth.

In the interest of sharing this amazing epiphany with others (strap on the boots girls..it's gettin deep ;) I have scoured the Internet for some good advice and I will share what I have found here :) SHMILY

From www.lovingyou.com

Ask yourself:

• How has your life improved in the last year?
• What have you done that you never thought you could do?
• What actions have you taken recently that have yielded positive results?
• What negative habits have you gotten rid of?
• What charity work have you done?
• How have you been a good friend, employee and partner?
• How are you continuing to improve yourself?

Asking and answering these questions of yourself will help you realize all the things you've accomplished that really matter. This is a key to self-love. Comparing yourself to yourself allows you to see how much you've achieved, obstacles you've overcome and goals that are within reach. It also helps you improve your self-appreciation and gratitude.


From www.selfworthquotes.com

.“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”
Louisa May Alcott

From www.wikihow.com

Stop making your self-worth conditional on other people. Once you try to live up to an image of what you think others want to you to be, you lose self-worth. Instead, you are following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations are clearly defined or implied. Unfortunately, many people live this way, including making such choices as studies, career, where to live, and how many children to have, all based on expectations from parents, spouses, friends, and the media, and mostly because they are afraid of standing up for their own preferences and respecting their self-worth.

• Be very wary of listening too much to people who regret the choices that they made in life and are willing to inflict their distress or anger at this regret upon others (especially upon the next generation). Such people won't enlighten you as to the path of acting on your self-worth but will try to either live out what they didn't get through you or even expect you to have the same rotten experiences they had by giving poor information, incorrect details, or simply omitting to inform you at all. People with healthy self-worth will share their insights and learning with you, and will be willing to guide you around life's many traps. Look for those people to mentor you rather than being misguided by the unhappy people.

What kinds of things do you to to show a little love to yourself?

Quality time?

So it's Thursday, time for our relationship question of the week...yes, I'm going there. 23 years of marriage HAS to be good for more than cheap silver plated gifts! Just kidding. I'm very happy to say that after our ups and downs Big daddy and I have, in fact, been together for 23 years. Besides our obvious love for each other (it really is obvious..we still do the whole PDA and everything..lol) we have 6 wonderful and unique offspring as the fruit of that relationship.

These being the facts, I often get people asking me relationship questions that range from the "Yeah, someone really should have talked to you about this." to "Whoa Nelly! That's a little blunt..." One thing I have found though is that they are all valid questions. I will attempt to answer, from my perspective,  the ones I get asked the most often. If you have any you'd like my opinion on well just come on down, sign on the dotted line and wait your turn, I am NEVER at a loss for an opinion...lol

Today's question is "How do you do it?" OK, that's usually the prelude to a real question, but it is by far the question I am asked most often. :) The real question this week is "How do you get any time alone?" I'm more than willing to take suggestions on the answer for this question as my own may seem a little dull....we MAKE time. We STEAL time. We FIND time.

Big Daddy and I are just like every other couple out there, except that we honestly have very little in common in the way of personality and common interests :) That could be the key to our success as a married couple, or it could just be God's vast and astounding sense of humor at work in my daily life. I tend to believe the latter. Regardless, just being together, having a conversation where we both have the opportunity to complete a sentence without any interjections of "Mom! I need a..." or "Papa, can you take me..." or "You like to share don't you Daddy?" sorry...inside joke.

For us it's all about quality. Here are some of our stolen moments:

* When all of the small ones are tucked into bed we will sometimes take the 30-45 min before Big Daddy has to head off to dreamland (he gets up for work at 2:45 AM ) and play Backgammon or Gin. Both are compact enough to be played on the couch between us so there's not allot of set up and both go quickly; we can play 3 or 4 rounds in our 45 min. It's time to just do something together. Sometimes we chat about nothing while we play, sometimes we don't really talk but just distress in each others company. It works for us.

* We do the grocery shopping together. Whenever possible we do the grocery shopping without any of the kids. It sounds silly, but it gives us a chance to talk about the week ahead, what we have going on, how we feel about kid stuff, without kids getting into the conversation. And there's something really freeing about the anonymity of the grocery store. We walk around in our own little world while we shop together, not worried about what the kids are up to and if there's blood or broken bones in our near future :)

* We worship together. There is something so intimate about worshiping together. Maybe it's because with true worship, is done completely naked. Not physically naked. What I mean is, to genuinely connect with God one has to be willing to let all pretense go, to stand before the Creator, unashamedly laid bare for Him to see...in those moments, knowing that he and I are both willing and open, adoring our Savior shamelessly...it's a beautiful thing. I couldn't give that up unless God Himself asked me to.

* We go out...yes, we do! We really don't have a ton of common interests. We like allot of the same movies, but neither of us like going to the theater as a way to spend time together. I'm married, if I want to spend 2 hrs sitting in the dark watching a movie with my husband I can do it far more comfortably at home! Besides, our time really is limited, so why would I spend it not connecting with him?

We go for walks in the evening. Our whole courtship/dating period was spent walking around San Francisco, talking, dreaming. We enjoy each others company allot....that helps..lol Sometimes these walks become gripe sessions or question pondering time, but they connect us..and that's what matters.

We also have a favorite breakfast place we go to. We found it last year and it is WONDERFUL. The food is good, the atmosphere is good...it's just a great place to go hang out together. You never feel rushed to get out of there, even though they have the fastest short order cooks in North West Indiana! It's "our place". Every couple should have a place like that, where they can just go and be themselves. It's that whole learned response thing. When there's a place you can go and you know that this is the place where we go together, where we talk and relax..it becomes an automatic response when you talk about going, when you think about going, when you get there to just release the tension and relax together.

When all else fails..when it's a crazy day or a crazy week and we just don't have the time to spend, we can't steal it from anywhere, we stand in the kitchen (the place no child dares go without permission, I am, after all, an Irish woman :) and just hold each other. Sometimes we take a moment to whisper loving words to each other or to steal a kiss, but mostly, we just hold onto each other, like we're holding onto a life raft in the middle of a raging storm. We lend each other strength in those few moments, solidify our commitment to each other in the midst of all we do for the sake of our family.

Busy-ness does sometimes get the better of us, but it can never be an excuse for disconnecting.

OK...so there's my weekly dose of relationship experience..I wouldn't call it advice, I don't know what your challenges are, what your relationship dynamic is, I'm not qualified to give anyone advice...What I do know is that marriage is tough, probably the toughest challenge in life. Dealing with the attitudes, behaviors, seeming faults and offenses of someone you did not give birth to is really hard at times, but the rewards...they are so worth it. I hope your relationships blossom into beautiful gardens filled with all of the sweetness of love and intimacy :)