Insanity Squared 9-5

Good morning campers and how are we doing today? Happy it's Friday? I know I am!!

Life likes to hand us all those little ups and downs. The twists and dips that make it so completely unpredictable that we finally throw up our hands and say 

For us here at the Adams household, it has been no different!

Catching up from last week....

We had back to school night at the small one's school and it was great! The PTA did a terrific job, the new principal is awesome....overall, it was a good time, which is saying something because usually it is a "try not to tear my hair out as I pen Moose in for 30 minutes while they talk about things he neither cares about nor understands and the microphone doesn't work so I can't hear them anyway but I need to listen because we may have to vote on something important" time. Their teachers are awesome. The PTA is up and running and best of all, Big Daddy got A LOT of interested Fathers at the "All Pro Dad" table! One even wants to co-lead! (Yay!!!) 

If you've never heard of "All Pro Dad" it's a terrific program to help open lines of communication between fathers and their children, at all age levels, that focuses on life lessons, fun and positive reinforcement. It's really wonderful! Big Daddy has been involved with them for about 7 years now and those Dad's (Uncles, Granddads, step Dads and even single Moms!) who come LOVE the program. If you don't know, check it out! allprodad.com/

Moving on....

Saturday was RACE DAY!!

 It was our first 5K and we absolutely loved it! I am WAY slower than Big Daddy, but that's OK. He loves me enough to go at my pace, which I appreciate because I didn't bring my headphones ;7)        I had been sick for a full two weeks before race day and the air quality here has been really poor lately because of the heat and low clouds so I was huffing and puffing before half a mile, however, we made decent time. 17 minute miles on average with a finish time of 53 minutes.         Honestly...my biggest goal was to not be the last one over the finish line and I hit that squared! (In case of a zombie apocalypse you don't have to be fastest, just faster than the slowest person :)        Big Daddy is now completely addicted and wanted to try and get another one in before November when we go pick up our Boyo from Basic. That is not going to happen, but only because other crazy things have happened this week, like him getting his identity stolen and the thief emptying our bank account. (yes, I'm serious....this is our lives folks...a constantly swirling vortex of WTF...*where's the food?*) Anyway, here are some pictures from the day.

 

The kids all came with us. They had bounce houses, water games, tons of street food and vendors, face painting....you name it, it was there. Just a fabulous, small town street fair! Gawd how I miss those! Everything now a days is about lights and rides and lines and loudness! This was so fun and relaxed. The kids had a great time. the atmosphere of the racers and the vendors who supported us was so encouraging that Bubba wants to do the next one with us. I'm excited about that! And Zabo, who has done a 5K before, can't wait for the Girls on the Run program to start at school so she can start training for her next one :)

Next up was Zabo's "American Ninja Warrior" Party. Which was fabulous!!

We did 6 different obstacles in the back yard, red white and blue themed EVERYTHING and only healthy foods (Except for the cupcakes...because there HAS to be cake at a birthday party.)

The kids went through the course at least 6 times. They stopped for water breaks, came to the front porch for turkey and veggie wraps, fruit kabbobs and koolaid then went right back to the obstacle course! Most important, Zabo had a blast!

The rest of this week has been something of a blur. I miss our Boyo SO much. It's been hard to hold back the tears lately. I have another 2 whole months before I see him and it's so hard. I cannot imagine the sadness that family's of deployed soldiers face. I am so grateful for those people, the ones who serve and the ones who support them. Choosing to be a soldier is choosing a hard life. I pray for all of our Soldiers and their families for peace in their souls, strength in their hearts and protection surrounding them always. If you get the chance, send a Soldier a card, a note, something to let them know they are important to us here at home and hug their Momma for them....she might just need it, really bad.

That's about it for me. The Bubba is working hard at rehearsals with his show being the second week in October. Tabby is full on into the middle school social arena (blech!) and is doing just fine. The small ones are enjoying school so far and loving the warm weather to play in when they get home. I'm steady working to be stronger and healthier for the next race, a Turkey Trot that hopefully both of my strong young men will be running with me this time! And Big Daddy is keeping his cool in the face of more than his fair share of trials. Life goes on. The world turns. God is on the throne. The sun continues to rise and we will always have victory because of Him who set it in motion from the beginning. 

Be well my friends. Enjoy your weekend. Hug your kids. Thank a soldier. Have some fun!!!

John Reuben ~ Nuisance

Insanity Squared 8-29

So here's the deal: I have learned a lot over the past few years of blogging like a space cadet and I have come to the conclusion that, if I let it, blogging itself can be a good grounding resource for me. And boy, do I need grounding! So, here it is, Friday = Adams Family update day. (I will do my best to add pictures)

It's been an absolutely crazy week here at the Adams House, not that it is ever a calm, relaxing, chaos free week at the Adams house, but hey, it's a conversation starter :)

School started for us 2 weeks ago and it has been a rockin' and a rolin' ever since.

Starting with our oldest, Laurana (why am I the only one who calls her Laurana? it's such a beautiful name!) She has been working her behind off out there in the pacific northwest training for a half marathon. Her progress was awesome. Her determination, inspirational, her injury from over-use, painful! She had to take a step back and go a little easier on herself. She is an awesome health coach so she knows exactly what she has to do to get to her goal safely and I know she will do it. Her own DH (Darling Husband) is VERY supportive and they have been steadily changing their lifestyle together to create healthier, happier married people.

She is also my health coach and though that is no easy task, her perseverance has really inspired me. I still need a "buddy". I have one on one side of the country and one on the other, but none here in the middle. Such is the story of my life. I will find someone though, it will happen. In the mean time she has helped me to lose 10lbs in 2 months and I am jogging/walking in my first 5K tomorrow morning :) Big Daddy has been uber supportive, taking me to the gym and buying me little "prizes" when I stick to my struthers and "Just Do It!". He even, of his own accord, signed up to do the 5K with me! Talk about a great guy!


 I have also signed on to be an assistant coach for my Zabo's Girls on the Run team and will be her running buddy at her 5K in November (Yay us!). Moose will be joining us by default. He has no place else to go after school and enough energy to take more than a few laps around the gym!

Zabo has also had a milestone birthday this week; she turned 10 **Screams in maternal anguish!**
She is so smart and beautiful and creative. I am just amazed by the small human she has become. Her teacher absolutely adors her courage and opinionated nature. She says Zabo is engaging and confident in class and is her discussion starter during "Book Circles" pretty much every time. (You go girl!). We couldn't be more proud of who she is and that she's ours :) Another wonderful thing happed to Zabo; she has come to a personal knowledge of Jesus. Not that she "accepted" Jesus or said some parrot prayer in church. Rather, she came to me a couple weeks ago to tell me that now, when she prays or thinks about God, when she is singing in church or listening to the message, she feels God there. in her words "He moved me". Yay God!!

She has also become completely enamored of "American ninja Warrior" and has a "date" with Boyo to participate in one when she turns 21 (which is in 11 years, of course). She loves it so much she is actually having an "American Ninja Warriior" themed birthday party with a cool (but much safer) obstacle course in the back yard, healthy snacks and cupcakes decorated with the American flag :)


Moose is uber excited to be back in school. He has been somewhat bored with the routines of Summer. Not that we didn't do anything this year, but even the busyness of doing stuff every day has become mundane to him. He is a real challenge to keep occupied and engaged, but when you get it, man is he a lot of fun!! He has become an absolutely gifted toad hunter this Summer finding them everywhere and bringing them to his bat-cave to play with. He does not harm them....I promise. He just scares the snot out of them trying to get them to "play" on the miriad obstacle courses he has created in the front yard for them. He's still energetic, happy, intense, creative, thoughtful, out of the box 7yr old BOY. And we wouldn't have it any other way :)

Bubba is in his Senior year this year....ug! I've had it with the growing up thing! He looks almost identical to Big Daddy when he was that age. He's strong, handsome, funny, sarcastic, talented...I could go on and on. He has a beautiful girlfriend he is madly in love with and cannot wait to show off at prom. He just got a part in the fall play for the APA (Academy for Performing Arts) in which he has to kiss his best friend, which neither he or she likes at all. He is being courted by a million colleges and is actually looking into schools as far away as New York or Florida! I told him that Florida has alligators and New York has muggers...Indiana just has corn. No one has ever been injured in a random corn attack. Just sayin'.

 I don't know what I would do without him here. I know he will have to leave. Bubba is so very special. He has that look of something just waiting to happen. He was made for bigness. But he is also a rock I have been able to lean on in times of struggle. He doesn't do anything, he is just there, and being there has mattered so much to me these past few years. He has become a good man and I am going to miss him when he goes into the world to become the good man God has called him to be.

Tabby is almost 14....14! Why? She's stunningly beautiful, crazy smart, annoyingly sarcastic....she's one of us :) Things got a little dicey for her last year in school, but this year it seems to be better. You know how Junior High is....catty, mean, frustrating, emotionally traumatizing....no? Maybe that was just me. Anyway, she is getting along better with her peers and has started intentionally trying to get over her social anxiety (which she did not suffer from before Junior High...just sayin'). She tried out for the volley ball team. She didn't make it, but trying out was such a success! I'm really proud of her.




Big daddy is off and running as the school year begins. He and I both have PTA and other commitments. He is the elementary school chess coach and the head of the All Pro Dad program at the school. I am looking forward to getting back into popcorn days and Girls on the Run as well as volunteering with the APA (if they let me...it's a strange group of hens in that coop!). Also our performance season will begin in 2 weeks! I am SO excited about this season. We learned a lot last season, have worked with some really talented kids and cannot wait to see who and what God brings together this year! Our first production will be, as always on October 31st and it is looking good so far :) Dance, human videos, hip hop, games.....so much fun! I think we have purchased every form of glow anything that there is to buy! Yep...I'm excited...

Boyo joined the military. He is now an Indiana National Guardsman. He is currently at Basic Training and it's killing us all! He has been gone for 5 weeks...5! and we miss him every day. I write to him at least 3 times a week. tabby does as well. The small ones send him pictures, Bubba sends him updates on whether he can sleep in the room without him there or not....we all just miss him. For his part, he writes to us regularly, he is bored stiff, misses home and skittles, has developed a serious hate for sand and has learned to really value jello as a "treat" because it's the only one they get. He gets lonely at night. He feels so different, being a Christian in the military. He says that some of the guys are starting to read the Bible because they are bored and homesick, but it's not the same as having Brothers and Sisters around you, supporting you, hanging out together just being yourselves. More than anything, he can't wait till he comes home. Neither can we.

So that's us....be well and blessed friends. And make sure, as the days get busy and the nights get shorter that you take time to hug those amazing people in your life that you KNOW would be so much less spectacular without...yep...I'm talking about your kids, your husband, your best friends, your brothers and sisters...and don't forget....The family pet :)

I'm Not Scared of You

So, as promised, I'm going to be bare naked honest about something that is very difficult for me.

Cancer

Just the word causes a part of me to immediately go into hiding.

When I was really young I had a close knit little family. My Nana, Uncle John and my Mom. These three people were everything to me. I learned how to give good back and foot rubs for my mom who was a career waitress. I learned how to sit quietly and "enjoy" Lawrence Welk with my Nana on Sunday Nights so she wouldn't feel alone. I learned to be completely open and affectionate with Uncle john because there was something in his eyes that was always so guarded and sad, but it would melt away when I sat on his lap and hugged him. Serving is a way of life for me. It's my personality type, my love language. These people were my foundation. My happiness was completely wrapped up in loving them and being loved by them.

When I was 4, I found out Nana was sick. She couldn't come down and watch TV with me as often. She didn't go play penny poker with her sisters anymore. She had to drink this horrible "milk shake" medicine to keep her strength up after the trips to the hospital with Mom. She hated that medicine. Sometimes she would have me drink half of it so Mom wouldn't fuss at her about taking care of herself. (It was iron fortified meal shake stuff...nasty!)

When I was 5, I didn't get to visit her much anymore. She was dying. She was so weak she couldn't come out to the hallway early in the morning and call me into her room to snuggle with her while she told me stories about the family. Uncle John was always stressed. He and Mom fought allot about things I just didn't understand. Before long Nana wasn't strong enough to sit up in bed anymore, to hug me, to talk...then she was gone.

My first Irish wake. Nana was in the dining room....the one where we had celebrated my 5th birthday just a few months before. Where Uncle John had taken my new knee socks and put them on his ears as "ear warmers" making Nana laugh and Mom fume. I couldn't go see her. I was too afraid. I understood what it meant that she was dead...I just couldn't stand it. Aunt Sheila, our family's backbone, was there. I can still remember the image of her in the dining room doorway, with the dark brown casket behind her, asking me if I was going to come say goodbye. I ran back upstairs to the room I used when we were at Nana's house in Leominster. I hid in the closet. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't make anyone happy. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't cry.

Uncle John found me. Mom was mad, scared really. They thought I was actually missing for a while. I had stayed in there for a long time. Mom was so sad and broken up about losing Nana...she wasn't thinking clearly. When Uncle John found me I finally cried. I was scared. I didn't want to lose the Nana that had loved me. I couldn't remember sitting with her while she read to me or having dinner with her. All I could remember was her small, frail body, weakened by the sickness, unable to move more than to wave me away and tell me to get my mother for her. All I could see in my mind was her dying. I didn't want it to be like that forever.

Nana had thyroid cancer. Curable now but back in '76, not so much. She suffered, she withered, she died at 64. Mom died of liver cancer in '91, she was 40. It was excruciating to watch her suffer. The tests, the pain. I was 5 months pregnant with Laurana when we found out. Laurana was 4 months old when Mom died, I was 18. My wonderful Uncle died of a combination of pneumonia, lung cancer and AIDS. My father in law died of Lunch cancer. My godmother died of brain cancer, my favorite cousin has fought a battle with breast cancer, two of my dear friends both lost their battles when they were in their early 40s one to bone cancer and the other to liver cancer. This disease haunts me.

When Moose was admitted this past January to the hospital for croup I had to do the typical "family history" questionnaire with the head nurse. I remember standing there giving her the information and she's shaking her head and muttering "Not good, not good." then she asked "And you've been checked for cancer, yes?" "No." "Why not?" the question came in such an accusatory tone. My defenses went up immediately and I practically sneered at her "Because I've been pregnant 10 times in the past 23 years...I haven't had much time for tests.". It was a good enough excuse for her, but it wasn't the truth. Truth is, I'm afraid. (I HAVE been pregnant 10 times in the past 24 years...that just wasn't the reason I avoided getting tested)

I'm so excruciatingly frightened of leaving my children without a mother. It's a horrible feeling to live without a mom. There are so many days of my life, so many things and circumstances, pictures experiences I desperately want to share with her. Losing a mother leaves a hole....and God can fill it, but the desire to be loved, as only a mother can, never leaves you. I asked my Uncle Jim "How long will it hurt like this?" when Mom died. He had lost his mother when he was 18 to cancer as well, he just looked at me. "When does it stop?" I pressed, "Never.". He was 38 then.

I flip flop back and forth between taking care of myself to try and control my future and giving up, being self-destructive, because nothing I do can stop it from happening if it's my destiny. I'm controlled by this fear and it has to stop.

I told Big daddy I'm going to take some steps to conquer this fear I have. He is so understanding, so wonderful that he is behind me 100%, no matter how stupid any of it sounds. Some f it really does sound stupid but it's just because I have to fight with my own mind in order to overcome this and I'm a tad on the disorganized, over analytical, scatterbrained side...just a tad...*sigh* These are my steps

1. I have an overall wellness plan (have I mentioned that I went to school to be a personal trainer and studied nutrition and herbal medicine on the side?) It includes some eating guidelines, an exercise plan and daily scripture affirmations to enable my mind to be "changed and renewed" by God's word. My fears are all lies from my heart and from the enemy. They are designed specifically to keep me bound up and "safe" I NEED something strong and absolute to break free of that, God's word is the only weapon that fits that description.

2. Blog. This portion of my blog is my catharsis. It's my way to get out and deal with what I have been running from for the past 22 years. It's also my accountability to myself and my kids that I won't allow the disease of fear to cripple me, stealing my "now" from my family because of some twisted view of my future. I'm going to post my progress with my health as well as how I'm feeling about the whole thing every week.

3. I am going to shave my head on my 40th birthday. I know this probably sounds asinine to those of you who have actually struggled with this disease, but hear me out.This is my way of standing up physically, drastically and saying to my fears, "You can't take anything from me that will make me give up fighting." Its my "G.I. Jane" statement. The reason I'm going to do it when I'm 40 is because I lost both Uncle John and Mom when they were 40. It did something to me, twisted something inside of me that has me scared of following in those footsteps. I've broken so many of the other negative patterns from our family's past by standing up, choosing faith over fear and stepping in the opposite direction of what my "instincts" tell me, I'm going to do the same here.

4. I'm going to find a way to get involved positively. Walking to raise money and awareness are awesome things. I may even look into it for next year, but I want to do something more personal. I know what it's like to be a child whose lost their Mom to cancer, I want to find a way to help those moms who are dying leave behind something their kids can hold onto as they grow up. I don't know what yet. I have a million scattered fragments of ideas in my head and I am definitely open to suggestions, but that's how I want to get involved.

5. I'm going to take pictures, make recordings, write letters. I'm not going to leave my kids with nothing but memories. So many times, in my childhood, my mom avoided the camera, stayed in the background, kept to herself. There is so much about who she was that I will never know. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to have more, to be confident in my love for them. Regardless of when I die, I want them to know me and to know that I cared enough to know them.

The Sound of Silence

Suzanne Burgos

A picture's worth a thousand words...what words does this picture inspire in you?

[ I do not own or have copywright permission for any images shown here. If the owner would like me to stop using their work please contact me and I will do so immediately.]

Memorial Day

I have these awesome books, I read and clip articles, I watch every documentary about the human perspectives of war that I can find. I have mad respect for our soldiers. I commend and admire those who have the courage to stand in the face of danger, willing to do whatever is necessary to protect others and carry out their duty. My heart sinks when I read about the ambushes, the car bombs, the soldiers who are wounded or killed doing what their conscious has dictated that they do, for the good of others.

I have a deep faith in the "rightness" of our Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights. I believe that these ideals are worth fighting for in every arena. I believe that they are a well rounded and socially responsible grouping of standards that benefit, not just our country, but through our government and military activity, other peoples as well. While it is ridiculous to believe any people can adhere to ALL of these without fault, I believe that they are worth understanding and aspiring to as an individual, are worth teaching as absolute values to my children, are valuable as guidelines for developing a community and are right for running a government.

Because I believe this, I believe in our Military's responsibility to step in where oppression and tyranny exist and fight on behalf of the abused and exploited. Sometimes this fight consists of those things my conscience agrees with; bringing aid to the hurt and hungry, setting free innocents and rebuilding what has been destroyed by the ravages of war. Sometimes though, they must do what my conscience shutters to think of, what brings tears to my eyes; They must attack, they must wound, they must kill. The emotional stresses of war are beyond my comprehension. Mt heart and prayers go out to those who must participate in the horrors of war in order to contribute to the betterment of the societies they are trying to bring peace to. It's a hard road to hoe.

I think that, in general, most of us just don't even come close to grasping the intensity of emotional turmoil, the depth of human brokenness that accompanies our soldiers every day as they walk war torn streets and are impacted by the consequences of "doing what is right". It does not matter if you or I believe that the current war or any other war is "right". It does not matter if we agree or disagree with our governments choices and maneuvers when it comes to our military. What matters is that we choose not to forget that there are human beings, men and women, Mothers and Fathers, sisters, brothers, co-workers, friends, childhood sweethearts out there doing what we cannot or will not do.

Have we forgotten that they are doing it because they believe that everyone should be free as we here in America are free? Because they believe that everyone should have the right to disagree with their government without fear of being beaten or imprisoned, having their children murdered before their eyes or their wives and sisters kidnapped and violated. So many of us are willing to say that what happens in a country under tyranny is wrong. Most of us are pretty vehement in stating our opinion about how "someone" should do something. Why then do we pull the rug out from under those who stand up for what they believe in and say, "I will go. I will be someone."?

a soldiers story

Today is a day that we, as a people bound together by those very ideals that send our children, our brothers and sisters, our parents and friends to other countries to do the work of freedom, remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for those ideals. We have set aside this one day a year to honor the dead, to bless their families with compassion and thankfulness, to remember that what we have here in America has cost the lives of countless young men and women. From our very beginnings as a country until today there are human beings that have fought and died to secure and preserve what we all believe is our due as human beings; personal freedom.

I am grateful for my freedom. I am honored to teach my children about our soldiers sacrifices. I am blessed to thank every man or woman in uniform I see for their willingness, their conviction. Today is a different day than all the others on our calendars. Today is a day to look into the past, to remember the atrocities of evil that lead to war and to be grateful for all of the "someones" who were willing to go in our place and to die for our ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Thank you to my friends and family members who have joined willing, fought bravely and served faithful. And to those who have lost family and friends to this and other war efforts...Thank you for the days of grief, for the years of loss, for the tears you shed on the same altar of war where you lost your loved ones. Thank you for your living sacrifice.

Happy Monday everyone.

Happy Memorial Day.

Big Daddy and me

I think I have mentioned a time or two that our anniversary is coming up. Thursday, May 25th, Big Daddy and I will have been together for 24 years. 24!!! I cannot really comprehend being with someone that long. When other people talk about being married that long I always thing, "Wow, you guys must both be pretty awesome people to be able to live with each other and still like each other after all that time!" and yet, here I am, more in love with the man I married than I was the day I met him and acted like a total dork trying to get his attention.

Our relationship hasn't been perfect. Far from it. We have struggled through homelessness, infidelity, anger issues, sickness, the loss and death of loved ones, betrayal...PLUS the pressures of having 6 children, and learning to accept and even love the differences between us as we grow from teenage sweethearts into mature adults.

love the way you lie

(unedited...watch your ears please)

When Big Daddy and I heard this song we both knew it was about us. not that Eminem had talked to either of us and written a song about the insanity that was our relationship, but that it described us, perfectly. We have a passion for each other that borders on obsessive. We both have explosive tempers, huge amounts of baggage and personal demons that we brought into our relationship. Whether or not we belong together has never been the question. Can we be sane apart...we both know the answer to that. Even after we came to the Lord, even after we were in ministry, even with all that God did in our lives to free us of our pasts and the pain there it was still like this, just like this.

A few years ago it all came to a head and I told him it was time for a divorce. We had done everything we could, but we weren't good for each other and that wasn't good for the kids. I was angry with God for not saving my marriage. Big daddy was angry with me for going back on my promise never to leave him. The kids suffered allot during that time. I got a job so that I could support us after he left. He totally went off the deep end acting like the biggest jerk ever. We live in a suburban community. Everyone knows every one's business. The kids had to deal with the rumors about us splitting up, the whispers about his behavior with other women, the pain of seeing their only stability begin to crumble around them.

I lost hope. I lost my mind. I ran to someone else who promised to treat me like a real man should. Fortunately he lived in Arizona at the time so I couldn't do anything incredibly stupid like sleep with him but that didn't stop me from using his sweet talk as an escape from all of the pain of losing Big Daddy. I was so deeply hurt I couldn't breathe when I thought about it; Big daddy didn't even fight. He didn't even try to keep us together. He didn't think he was worth my love and I didn't think I was worth his effort but I couldn't stay away. I told him that he was my dragon; my greatest obsession and my greatest pain. It was a mess.

Our oldest daughter suffered the most. She felt responsible to protect the other kids from our insanity. She tried to be there for me and support me, but I was such a mess and I was going in the wrong direction. Her support just made the guilt worse. I blocked her out, it broke her heart. She lost control and spiraled down a path that led her to run away. I don't blame her, I can't. She is a beautiful and fiercely loyal young woman who would do anything for her family, but her family was falling apart. Who she was didn't make sense anymore. She was lost, we had taken away the beacons in her life that held her safe and left her in the dark. She was only 16.

Big Daddy and I got back together about 6 months after we separated. It took another 2 years to begin to repair the damage. There were trust issues, bad habits, personal baggage that still had to be overcome. So many days we didn't think it was going to work but we love each other so much. There's so much passion and commitment to each other between us...we just couldn't let go.

God began to reveal the roots of the problems. he began to show us how to break free individually so that we could come together and be free as the One we were intended to be. I have no doubt that Big Daddy is my soul mate. The problem was that each of us carried burdens and mistrust, pain and fear deep in our souls. God had to clear it all out. He taught us to forgive ourselves, each other and those who had hurt us in our pasts. He did a mighty work in our lives. He overcame all that we had set between us and gave us back to each other as we were meant to be, whole, pure, in love. It really was a miracle. Our miracle.

Now, when I think of all that we have been through and where we are headed, I'm dumbstruck with awe. I'm so grateful to God for what He has done and is still doing. That is first and foremost. I am also grateful to Big daddy. He had to choose to be a better man. He had to choose to allow God to reach inside him and reveal any ugliness that he had been trying to hide and "deal with" on his own. He had to admit his defeat in order to gain the victory, and he did. That is no easy thing for a man to do. They need to feel strong and invincible. They need to be able to believe that they are good for us. It's their place, their hard wiring. Provider, protector and priest, that is who a man is called to be. When God held up that proverbial mirror in front of Big Daddy and showed him who he had become, that he wasn't who he was supposed to be but instead had become what he hated; angry, hurtful, inconsiderate, unfaithful, selfish, chauvinistic and even cruel...he could have denied it. He could have turned away and chosen to continue trying to "better" himself without any "interference" from God. But he chose a different path.

To me, Big daddy stood up to all of the shame and guilt he had heaped upon himself and rather than deflecting or denying it, he said "You're worth me taking responsibility for this, no matter how much it hurts. You're worth overcoming this, no matter how embarrassing it is. You're worth it to me and I'm going to prove it.". Nothing could have blessed me more.

Big Daddy used to tell me all the time "Tell me you love me." as if I didn't say it enough or he needed reassurance. Now, he asks me "Am I good for you?' He doesn't want to know just that he does things that make me happy. he wants to know that he has become the man in my life who is strong when I'm weak, who encourages me to be who I am, who ushers me into the presence of God when I'm hurting. He wants to know if he has become that man in my life who is my everything because he has earned the right to be so. After all this time, after so many years of explosions, pain, guilt and fear, amazingly, miraculously my answer is always "Yes."

Thank You God for the new life You gave to our marriage. Thank You Big daddy for not giving up. Thank you for being who you were meant to be in my life and the lives of our children. You are so good for me Big Daddy. I love you.

Gra Anois Agus Go Deo

Until forever comes My Love.





Just because...

I saw this...lost my breath for a sec...regained it and had to share...lol

I really can't say anything about this photo..except..umm...yeah...I'm a Bears fan...lololol