So, as promised, I'm going to be bare naked honest about something that is very difficult for me.
Cancer
Just the word causes a part of me to immediately go into hiding.
When I was really young I had a close knit little family. My Nana, Uncle John and my Mom. These three people were everything to me. I learned how to give good back and foot rubs for my mom who was a career waitress. I learned how to sit quietly and "enjoy" Lawrence Welk with my Nana on Sunday Nights so she wouldn't feel alone. I learned to be completely open and affectionate with Uncle john because there was something in his eyes that was always so guarded and sad, but it would melt away when I sat on his lap and hugged him. Serving is a way of life for me. It's my personality type, my love language. These people were my foundation. My happiness was completely wrapped up in loving them and being loved by them.
When I was 4, I found out Nana was sick. She couldn't come down and watch TV with me as often. She didn't go play penny poker with her sisters anymore. She had to drink this horrible "milk shake" medicine to keep her strength up after the trips to the hospital with Mom. She hated that medicine. Sometimes she would have me drink half of it so Mom wouldn't fuss at her about taking care of herself. (It was iron fortified meal shake stuff...nasty!)
When I was 5, I didn't get to visit her much anymore. She was dying. She was so weak she couldn't come out to the hallway early in the morning and call me into her room to snuggle with her while she told me stories about the family. Uncle John was always stressed. He and Mom fought allot about things I just didn't understand. Before long Nana wasn't strong enough to sit up in bed anymore, to hug me, to talk...then she was gone.
My first Irish wake. Nana was in the dining room....the one where we had celebrated my 5th birthday just a few months before. Where Uncle John had taken my new knee socks and put them on his ears as "ear warmers" making Nana laugh and Mom fume. I couldn't go see her. I was too afraid. I understood what it meant that she was dead...I just couldn't stand it. Aunt Sheila, our family's backbone, was there. I can still remember the image of her in the dining room doorway, with the dark brown casket behind her, asking me if I was going to come say goodbye. I ran back upstairs to the room I used when we were at Nana's house in Leominster. I hid in the closet. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't make anyone happy. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't cry.
Uncle John found me. Mom was mad, scared really. They thought I was actually missing for a while. I had stayed in there for a long time. Mom was so sad and broken up about losing Nana...she wasn't thinking clearly. When Uncle John found me I finally cried. I was scared. I didn't want to lose the Nana that had loved me. I couldn't remember sitting with her while she read to me or having dinner with her. All I could remember was her small, frail body, weakened by the sickness, unable to move more than to wave me away and tell me to get my mother for her. All I could see in my mind was her dying. I didn't want it to be like that forever.
Nana had thyroid cancer. Curable now but back in '76, not so much. She suffered, she withered, she died at 64. Mom died of liver cancer in '91, she was 40. It was excruciating to watch her suffer. The tests, the pain. I was 5 months pregnant with Laurana when we found out. Laurana was 4 months old when Mom died, I was 18. My wonderful Uncle died of a combination of pneumonia, lung cancer and AIDS. My father in law died of Lunch cancer. My godmother died of brain cancer, my favorite cousin has fought a battle with breast cancer, two of my dear friends both lost their battles when they were in their early 40s one to bone cancer and the other to liver cancer. This disease haunts me.
When Moose was admitted this past January to the hospital for croup I had to do the typical "family history" questionnaire with the head nurse. I remember standing there giving her the information and she's shaking her head and muttering "Not good, not good." then she asked "And you've been checked for cancer, yes?" "No." "Why not?" the question came in such an accusatory tone. My defenses went up immediately and I practically sneered at her "Because I've been pregnant 10 times in the past 23 years...I haven't had much time for tests.". It was a good enough excuse for her, but it wasn't the truth. Truth is, I'm afraid. (I HAVE been pregnant 10 times in the past 24 years...that just wasn't the reason I avoided getting tested)
I'm so excruciatingly frightened of leaving my children without a mother. It's a horrible feeling to live without a mom. There are so many days of my life, so many things and circumstances, pictures experiences I desperately want to share with her. Losing a mother leaves a hole....and God can fill it, but the desire to be loved, as only a mother can, never leaves you. I asked my Uncle Jim "How long will it hurt like this?" when Mom died. He had lost his mother when he was 18 to cancer as well, he just looked at me. "When does it stop?" I pressed, "Never.". He was 38 then.
I flip flop back and forth between taking care of myself to try and control my future and giving up, being self-destructive, because nothing I do can stop it from happening if it's my destiny. I'm controlled by this fear and it has to stop.
I told Big daddy I'm going to take some steps to conquer this fear I have. He is so understanding, so wonderful that he is behind me 100%, no matter how stupid any of it sounds. Some f it really does sound stupid but it's just because I have to fight with my own mind in order to overcome this and I'm a tad on the disorganized, over analytical, scatterbrained side...just a tad...*sigh* These are my steps
1. I have an overall wellness plan (have I mentioned that I went to school to be a personal trainer and studied nutrition and herbal medicine on the side?) It includes some eating guidelines, an exercise plan and daily scripture affirmations to enable my mind to be "changed and renewed" by God's word. My fears are all lies from my heart and from the enemy. They are designed specifically to keep me bound up and "safe" I NEED something strong and absolute to break free of that, God's word is the only weapon that fits that description.
2. Blog. This portion of my blog is my catharsis. It's my way to get out and deal with what I have been running from for the past 22 years. It's also my accountability to myself and my kids that I won't allow the disease of fear to cripple me, stealing my "now" from my family because of some twisted view of my future. I'm going to post my progress with my health as well as how I'm feeling about the whole thing every week.
3. I am going to shave my head on my 40th birthday. I know this probably sounds asinine to those of you who have actually struggled with this disease, but hear me out.This is my way of standing up physically, drastically and saying to my fears, "You can't take anything from me that will make me give up fighting." Its my "G.I. Jane" statement. The reason I'm going to do it when I'm 40 is because I lost both Uncle John and Mom when they were 40. It did something to me, twisted something inside of me that has me scared of following in those footsteps. I've broken so many of the other negative patterns from our family's past by standing up, choosing faith over fear and stepping in the opposite direction of what my "instincts" tell me, I'm going to do the same here.
4. I'm going to find a way to get involved positively. Walking to raise money and awareness are awesome things. I may even look into it for next year, but I want to do something more personal. I know what it's like to be a child whose lost their Mom to cancer, I want to find a way to help those moms who are dying leave behind something their kids can hold onto as they grow up. I don't know what yet. I have a million scattered fragments of ideas in my head and I am definitely open to suggestions, but that's how I want to get involved.
5. I'm going to take pictures, make recordings, write letters. I'm not going to leave my kids with nothing but memories. So many times, in my childhood, my mom avoided the camera, stayed in the background, kept to herself. There is so much about who she was that I will never know. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to have more, to be confident in my love for them. Regardless of when I die, I want them to know me and to know that I cared enough to know them.
Showing posts with label forward motion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forward motion. Show all posts
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Sound of Silence
A picture's worth a thousand words...what words does this picture inspire in you?
[ I do not own or have copywright permission for any images shown here. If the owner would like me to stop using their work please contact me and I will do so immediately.]
Monday, May 28, 2012
Memorial Day
I have these awesome books, I read and clip articles, I watch every documentary about the human perspectives of war that I can find. I have mad respect for our soldiers. I commend and admire those who have the courage to stand in the face of danger, willing to do whatever is necessary to protect others and carry out their duty. My heart sinks when I read about the ambushes, the car bombs, the soldiers who are wounded or killed doing what their conscious has dictated that they do, for the good of others.
I have a deep faith in the "rightness" of our Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights. I believe that these ideals are worth fighting for in every arena. I believe that they are a well rounded and socially responsible grouping of standards that benefit, not just our country, but through our government and military activity, other peoples as well. While it is ridiculous to believe any people can adhere to ALL of these without fault, I believe that they are worth understanding and aspiring to as an individual, are worth teaching as absolute values to my children, are valuable as guidelines for developing a community and are right for running a government.
Because I believe this, I believe in our Military's responsibility to step in where oppression and tyranny exist and fight on behalf of the abused and exploited. Sometimes this fight consists of those things my conscience agrees with; bringing aid to the hurt and hungry, setting free innocents and rebuilding what has been destroyed by the ravages of war. Sometimes though, they must do what my conscience shutters to think of, what brings tears to my eyes; They must attack, they must wound, they must kill. The emotional stresses of war are beyond my comprehension. Mt heart and prayers go out to those who must participate in the horrors of war in order to contribute to the betterment of the societies they are trying to bring peace to. It's a hard road to hoe.
I think that, in general, most of us just don't even come close to grasping the intensity of emotional turmoil, the depth of human brokenness that accompanies our soldiers every day as they walk war torn streets and are impacted by the consequences of "doing what is right". It does not matter if you or I believe that the current war or any other war is "right". It does not matter if we agree or disagree with our governments choices and maneuvers when it comes to our military. What matters is that we choose not to forget that there are human beings, men and women, Mothers and Fathers, sisters, brothers, co-workers, friends, childhood sweethearts out there doing what we cannot or will not do.
Have we forgotten that they are doing it because they believe that everyone should be free as we here in America are free? Because they believe that everyone should have the right to disagree with their government without fear of being beaten or imprisoned, having their children murdered before their eyes or their wives and sisters kidnapped and violated. So many of us are willing to say that what happens in a country under tyranny is wrong. Most of us are pretty vehement in stating our opinion about how "someone" should do something. Why then do we pull the rug out from under those who stand up for what they believe in and say, "I will go. I will be someone."?
Today is a day that we, as a people bound together by those very ideals that send our children, our brothers and sisters, our parents and friends to other countries to do the work of freedom, remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for those ideals. We have set aside this one day a year to honor the dead, to bless their families with compassion and thankfulness, to remember that what we have here in America has cost the lives of countless young men and women. From our very beginnings as a country until today there are human beings that have fought and died to secure and preserve what we all believe is our due as human beings; personal freedom.
I am grateful for my freedom. I am honored to teach my children about our soldiers sacrifices. I am blessed to thank every man or woman in uniform I see for their willingness, their conviction. Today is a different day than all the others on our calendars. Today is a day to look into the past, to remember the atrocities of evil that lead to war and to be grateful for all of the "someones" who were willing to go in our place and to die for our ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Thank you to my friends and family members who have joined willing, fought bravely and served faithful. And to those who have lost family and friends to this and other war efforts...Thank you for the days of grief, for the years of loss, for the tears you shed on the same altar of war where you lost your loved ones. Thank you for your living sacrifice.
I have a deep faith in the "rightness" of our Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights. I believe that these ideals are worth fighting for in every arena. I believe that they are a well rounded and socially responsible grouping of standards that benefit, not just our country, but through our government and military activity, other peoples as well. While it is ridiculous to believe any people can adhere to ALL of these without fault, I believe that they are worth understanding and aspiring to as an individual, are worth teaching as absolute values to my children, are valuable as guidelines for developing a community and are right for running a government.
Because I believe this, I believe in our Military's responsibility to step in where oppression and tyranny exist and fight on behalf of the abused and exploited. Sometimes this fight consists of those things my conscience agrees with; bringing aid to the hurt and hungry, setting free innocents and rebuilding what has been destroyed by the ravages of war. Sometimes though, they must do what my conscience shutters to think of, what brings tears to my eyes; They must attack, they must wound, they must kill. The emotional stresses of war are beyond my comprehension. Mt heart and prayers go out to those who must participate in the horrors of war in order to contribute to the betterment of the societies they are trying to bring peace to. It's a hard road to hoe.
I think that, in general, most of us just don't even come close to grasping the intensity of emotional turmoil, the depth of human brokenness that accompanies our soldiers every day as they walk war torn streets and are impacted by the consequences of "doing what is right". It does not matter if you or I believe that the current war or any other war is "right". It does not matter if we agree or disagree with our governments choices and maneuvers when it comes to our military. What matters is that we choose not to forget that there are human beings, men and women, Mothers and Fathers, sisters, brothers, co-workers, friends, childhood sweethearts out there doing what we cannot or will not do.
Have we forgotten that they are doing it because they believe that everyone should be free as we here in America are free? Because they believe that everyone should have the right to disagree with their government without fear of being beaten or imprisoned, having their children murdered before their eyes or their wives and sisters kidnapped and violated. So many of us are willing to say that what happens in a country under tyranny is wrong. Most of us are pretty vehement in stating our opinion about how "someone" should do something. Why then do we pull the rug out from under those who stand up for what they believe in and say, "I will go. I will be someone."?
Today is a day that we, as a people bound together by those very ideals that send our children, our brothers and sisters, our parents and friends to other countries to do the work of freedom, remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for those ideals. We have set aside this one day a year to honor the dead, to bless their families with compassion and thankfulness, to remember that what we have here in America has cost the lives of countless young men and women. From our very beginnings as a country until today there are human beings that have fought and died to secure and preserve what we all believe is our due as human beings; personal freedom.
I am grateful for my freedom. I am honored to teach my children about our soldiers sacrifices. I am blessed to thank every man or woman in uniform I see for their willingness, their conviction. Today is a different day than all the others on our calendars. Today is a day to look into the past, to remember the atrocities of evil that lead to war and to be grateful for all of the "someones" who were willing to go in our place and to die for our ideals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Thank you to my friends and family members who have joined willing, fought bravely and served faithful. And to those who have lost family and friends to this and other war efforts...Thank you for the days of grief, for the years of loss, for the tears you shed on the same altar of war where you lost your loved ones. Thank you for your living sacrifice.
Happy Monday everyone.
Happy Memorial Day.
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